I spent most of the day training the last little bit I needed before I could visit the trainer, he was happy with my progress and allowed me to proceed to the next level. And now I hunt Guardians, and this is what I will do until I find a few more red spells. I have put my training on hold for a while so I can concentrate on finding what I need. If I am going to be a good Enchanter then I need as many spells as I can get. They are not easy to find, but if you know the right places to look, they should come more often. But I fear that I am unable to run fast enough to catch them, however I will keep trying and hopefully it won’t be long before I have a few more spells I can use.

The problem is, I still feel so tired. I haven’t been sleeping properly for a while, when I try to sleep I will get a few marcs before I wake again, unable to get back to sleep. I haven’t dreamed about him for a few nights, it happens this way; it will be a while before I dream about him again. But still I wish sleep would come, but it doesn’t.

My daily nightmare continues, I am gripped by a fear that I have never really felt before. And I can’t explain it; I can’t explain why all of a sudden I feel so scared. I feel like something big is about to happen, something is about to change, I can almost see it but I can’t quite work out what it is. And it scares me, I am scared for my family and the people I love, but until it happens there is nothing I can do. I just hope it isn’t going to be bad.

So I am sitting in my favourite room at the Guild Hall, and I am watching the flames in the fire dance about. There is always something really relaxing about watching flames, it always calms me down.

I can feel my eyes growing heavy, but no matter how relaxed I am, or how tired I get, I know I will not be able to sleep. I think I will go for a walk in the cool night air, I need to think, and walking always helps me think. I need to work out why I'm here, am I really needed? Would people even notice if I was just suddenly not here anymore? I feel so weak, but from somewhere deep inside I have the strength to carry on, and I know that it is the love I feel for my family that is pushing me forwards. I sometimes fear that their love may not pull me through like it has so many times before. Because of them, I force myself to keep going, when all I really want to do is just lay down in a tight ball and just stop. Stop thinking, stop feeling, stop dreaming, just stop doing everything. I came very close to that once before, not so long ago. My sister A tried to get through to me, but she couldn’t reach me, and I know she tried so hard, but in the end there was nothing she could do. I just lay in a ball, unmoving just staring at nothing. I don’t know how long I was like that for, but every day I am grateful to A for not giving up. She managed to pull me through last time. Her and J have always been there for me and they are the best sisters anyone could ever ask for and I know I don’t deserve to have family like them, but I do have them and I know how lucky I am and right now that is what is keeping me going.

I can feel myself closing in on myself again. I haven’t really talked to anyone all day, just one good friend and that was only to say hello how are you. So I set up camp in the corner of the beach and watch the sun set, and I am struck by how beautiful it looks. In all the times I have been here on the beach training, I have never noticed the sunset or how stunningly beautiful it is over the water. As I watch it I wonder where my life is going and what I am doing. I seem to be swimming against the tide, it's like, no matter how hard I try I'm just not getting anywhere, so why do I bother? So maybe I should just stop, take a look around me and try to find myself. I'm not the same person I was when I first came here, I know I have changed. I'm not as quiet as I used to be, I'm still a little shy around people I don’t know, but I am getting better at that. But for a while now I have felt that I lost myself and I don’t know where I am, I don’t know who I am and I don’t know where I'm going. I don’t know who to turn to and I don’t know how to explain how I'm feeling. There is just so much that I am unsure about now and I don’t know where to find the answers. Where do I even start looking? Is this one of those things I can do on my own, or can accept help? I don’t even feel like screaming now, I just want to sink into the sand and give up.

My day started off so well, I did a bit of farming and then went for a drink at the inn with my friend G, then I slept for a while and when I woke up I had a laugh with G. But why is it that I'm not allowed to be happy? Why is it that every time I start to relax and have fun something will always go wrong? Maybe I should just give up trying now, what's the point in trying to have fun? It's stupid, it's just stupid. Do people really not know me at all; do my friends really not know me? Why do they believe the lies that people tell them, why don’t they come to me and ask me for the truth? It's not just the fact that he believed the lies he was told, but he won’t tell me who it was that told him. I think I have the right to know who is spreading these lies about me. I mean, do these people really have nothing better to do all day than to make stuff up about me and start spreading it? Are these peoples live so pathetic and boring that they have to try and hurt me. What did I do wrong? Why are people being like this? Why are there so many mean and nasty people out there who are intent on making my life hell? What did I ever do? I'm a nice person, so why do people want to be this way? Can someone please tell me, what am I doing wrong?

After my days in isolation, I now feel ready to face the world again. It's been a strange few days but it has done me the world of good. I am ready to be active in the guild again and ready to be in the towns around people. I met some twins today; I have never seen twins in Valorn before. They seem nice if a bit mischievous, but they are fun to be around. If only they didn’t whisper and giggle so much, it makes me nervous about what they might be plotting.

I had another dream about him last night. It was different from the last one. We were in the mountains surrounded by snow; we were making snow angels and having a snowball fight. He pulled me close and wrapped his cloak around both of us to keep me warm. I felt so safe and knew that nothing could hurt me while I was there with him. We found a cave and he built a fire, and we lay together just watching the flames until we both fell asleep. When I woke up I was on my own and back in the guild hall. It didn’t feel like a dream, it felt so real. So I left the guild hall and went looking for him. I knew I would find him if I looked hard enough, I knew he had come back somehow. I searched everywhere and after many marcs I was about to give up hope, but then I saw him in the mountains, and I rushed over to him smiling happily, but just as I got close to him I realised that it wasn't him, and I ran away fighting back the tears. I don’t know what I was thinking, I know he's gone, I know he can never come back, but my heart still calls for him and in my confusion I thought the dream was real. I spent the whole day searching for something that I will never find.

I don’t know if I will ever find someone special enough to fill the gap in my heart. But for now I'm not looking. If it happens, it happens and I will deal with it if it does. But until then I must try to remember, my dreams are not real and no matter how safe and protected I feel in him arms, it's all just a fantasy played out by my heart. And that's all it will ever be.

As I sit by the fire in the guild hall, I think about the people I have met here. Most of them have been really nice, one or two haven’t. But there is one person who comes to my mind the most. I haven’t seen him for a while and I don’t know where he is now, but I miss him. I know he hurt me, more than once, but I still think about him a lot, and I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Yes he hurt me badly, but I still never changed the way I feel about him. I have tried so hard to fight it and I have tried distracting myself with other things, but still I think about him and I wonder where he is now. Did he leave Valorn or is he still around and I just haven’t seen him? I know my sister wouldn’t be happy if she knew what I was thinking, and I know she is right. I need to get him out of my head; I need him out of my system, because I know it could never be good.

What am I doing wrong? Why do I keep thinking about him? After everything that happened between us, why is he still in my head? I almost lost everything, I almost walked away from my family and friends, I almost gave it all up because I thought it was the best thing to do. I'm only just beginning to get over it, I'm only just starting to not feel guilty and blame myself for it. Maybe I need some more time in isolation, or maybe I need to leave for a few days, get away from Valorn and see what happens. I'm not going to go, I can’t leave my family again and I don’t know where to go anyway. I travelled for a long time before I came here, I went to many places and I saw many things, not all of them were good, but I saw a lot and met a lot of people. Out of all the places I went to, this is the only one that ever made me feel welcome; this is the only place I ever felt I could call home. And I can’t say that I will never leave it, because I don’t know what might happen in the future, but this will always be where my heart belongs.

I packed up my camp and left the beach, when I woke up this morning there were a few people wandering around, so I thought it was time to pack up and head back to the guild hall. I've been training a bit today, but I have mostly been farming. It's not that I needed to farm, but I was hunting for Red Guardians. I still need a lot of spells and I'm just not having much luck at finding them. I know I'm the worst Enchanter ever, and I have to wonder if I chose the right profession. But I really can’t see me doing anything else, I love being an Enchanter, I just wish I was better at it. I knew from a very early age that this was my calling; it's what I've always wanted to do. So why do I feel so useless now? Why do I think I made the wrong choice?

I haven’t really done much of anything today; I trained for about half a marc, and farmed for 3 marcs, went for a drink with a friend and then just wandered about for a while. I got helping a noob, I was in the middle of something when I got a call from my sister asking if I could go and help her, so I dropped what I was doing and went to find the new girl. I took her to where she needed to train, gave her a few potions and made sure she knew what she was doing, and then I ran off to find the Red Guardian that my brother was holding for me. I got there just in time and it was nice enough to give me a red crystal. So my brother and me had a race, I poofed and he still beat me. I got the same spell that I already have, three times they have given me that one spell, I'm starting to think it's the only one they have.

So anyway, I was helping this noob, and I remembered what it was like when I first came here. I had travelled a long way and needed to rest for a while. I was a bit scared, I didn’t know anyone, but someone stopped to talk to me, she was really friendly and helped me get sorted. Everyone I met seemed really nice, but I was still a little bit nervous. And really it's only recently that I have stopped being so scared, and I don’t know what changed. Is it because I have a great family here? Is it because I'm used to the place and how things are? Is it because I know more people now? Or is it just because I finally know that this is where I belong?

I really should be training, or doing something. This gives me too much time to think, and it's not good to think too much. I've been spending a lot of time helping this noob, she seems really sweet, she's yet to discover the dangers of this world.

As much as I want to hide out and be on my own right now, at the same time, I want to be around my friends and family and the people I love. I want to be close to them just so I know I'm truly not alone in this world, because sometimes it feels like I am. I know they are always there if I need them, but I'm trying not to go to them, I'm trying to deal with everything on my own. It's just easier to force a smile on my face and tell people that I'm ok. It is really rare for me to ask for help, but I will sometimes accept it if it is offered. And I do find it hard to talk sometimes, and there are very few people who I will open up to. I can count on one hand the number of people I can trust enough. I don’t trust many people, and it takes a lot to gain my trust now. That's just the way I am now, I trusted too easily when I first came here, and I got badly burnt by it, so now I trust no one until they earn my trust.

I feel so tired. I feel like I need to sleep for a long time, but I know that won’t happen. I dreamed about him again last night. I dreamed about that night. That night will forever be burned into my memory. But I haven’t dreamed about him for a while. I dreamed that we were on the beach, walking, talking, holding hands. I felt his strong arms holding me tight, and the gentleness of his kiss. It felt so good just holding him and running my fingers through his hair like I always used to. But then suddenly everything started to go dark and he was pulled away. I was calling for him and looking all over the beach for him, but he wasn't there. And then I woke up crying and then I cried even harder when I realised he wasn't there and he never would be again. I miss him so much, even after all these years I still miss him, and I still reach for him and my heart still cries for him. I still haven’t got used to the fact that I will never see him again.

Again I find myself questioning if I'm doing the right thing. It seems so easy to just throw myself into training and avoid places where I will see people, but I'm not sure if it's going to be as easy as I though. I still get birds from people, and I don’t really mind that, it wouldn’t be good for me to stop all communication with everyone. I still have friends and family and I still love them all dearly, and I couldn’t be without them. But right now I need to concentrate on training. I find myself on the beach again, but this time I have made a camp and I am going to stay here for a while, I sleep under the stars listening to the sound of the ocean. This is so calming here, but I know it won’t be forever, just a few days and then I must return to the guild hall, it's where I belong.

Training is the only thing that will keep my mind busy enough, when I am training; I am not thinking about anything else. Which is why I know I must just concentrate on that for a while, I'm not avoiding people, but I am trying to avoid thinking. Too much thinking isn’t good for a person, but neither is isolation.

Maybe I should just forget training and spend the next few days doing nothing but ride the cannon, but I don’t think that will even work this time.

Training has been slow for a while, I don’t know what it is, but I guess I have been distracted a lot lately. Training always goes slow when I'm distracted.

So as I walk this long and lonely beach, I have started to question who I am, who am I really? I am Sabrina; there is nothing special about me. I was born the youngest and only daughter of a warrior; I have nine older brothers, all warriors. My mother died when I was born, and my family always blamed me for it. My mother was an Enchanter, and a pretty good one, I can only dream to be as good as she was. I ran away from home when I was fourteen, and spent years drifting from place to place, never fitting in anywhere, never feeling welcome. When I was sixteen I met a great guy, he was the only man who ever loved me, he was special, he showed me how to love. Together we travelled; we slept under the stars or took shelter in nearby caves if we had to. But then one night, Gremlins came, he pleaded with them not to hurt me, he gave up his life to save mine and I will never forget him. I found myself returning home, but I was wrong when I thought they would welcome me back. They didn’t want to know, I was dead to them, they cast me out like an old boot. So again I found myself wandering from place to place, I was alone, rejected by everyone. For years I walked, never staying in one place long enough to make friends, just moving on. And then one day I found myself here, in Valorn. I was going to just pass through, like I have so many other places before, but I was weary and needed to rest, and I'm glad I did because I now have a great family here who I love and they love me. But that is me that is who I am, I can’t be anyone else. My journey here was a long one, but it was worth it and I am not going to allow small minded, mean people drive me away. I worked too hard to get where I am, this is where I belong now. And SR is my favourite guild in the whole of Valorn and even though I had doubts when I first joined, I know I made the right decision.

I talked to a friend today, he always makes perfect sense. So why do I still feel lost? He said I need to do something with the knowledge I have or it will just become more of a burden, and he is right, but there's nothing I can do with it. I can’t tell anyone, I have to keep it inside because I have to protect the person who it's about. This isn’t about me or how bad I feel now that I know; this is about not letting anyone get hurt because of this information. So if I am going to forget that I know, I need to stop thinking about it.

So I have been helping this noob, though you can’t really call her a noob anymore, but anyway I've been helping her since she came and I've been helping her to find a sponsor. I think I might have found her one, and all I can is, her sponsor has had me laughing all day. She always makes me laugh, but today I have been in fits. It really took my mind off things.

I love days like today; I wish they could happen more often. I think we should all try to have fun at least once a week; it can’t always be serious hard training. Everyone should take the time out to just have a giggle.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. One minute I'm up and having so much fun, and the next I feel like crying. I feel so lost, so empty. I have some really good friends around me, and I love them all so much, I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn't for them. But even with so many good friends around me, I sometimes feel like I have no one in the world to talk to. I know it's stupid, because I know they will always be there if I need them, but I just feel sometimes that I can’t talk to them. And sometimes, I know what the problem is but I can’t get the words out.

I never thought I’d see the day when someone got one over on a rogue. He was at Inn trying to be cleaver, selling a bunch of tickets that he had. He sold one for 1500 plat and then a while later he was talked into buying it back, for the price he sold it for. And I bow down to the guy who did it, he is a genius, but as he walked away he said that he wished he could turn 1 silver into 1500 plat every day.

Well after that I thought I should go and do a bit of training, I haven’t really done much lately, not really for a few weeks. But training is slow right now and I am growing tired. I am tired of always trying hard and not getting very far. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of the small minded mean people who continue to hurt others. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of being nice to the people who hate me. I'm tired of searching for something that I will never find. And I'm tired of being used. I don’t know what I'm doing, I don’t know where I'm going, I don’t even know what the right thing is anymore. I feel like I'm trying to swim against the tide and I just don’t know if I should do it anymore. I feel like I want to run to the top of the highest mountain, take a deep breath and just scream, and keep on screaming until there is nothing left. Then fall to the floor, curl up in a ball and let the numbness wash over me. And feel no more hurt, no more pain and no more confusion.

I think deep down I knew the truth, I've just been in denial, pretending I didn’t know. The big question is, now that I know the truth, how are things going to change. As much as I don’t want things to change, I know they will, which is why I was hiding from the truth for so long. But I cannot hide from it any longer, not now that it jumped up and smacked me in the face. It was like running head first into to a brick wall. I guess I knew this day would come, no matter how hard I tried to deny it; I knew it was going to happen. And now that it has, I don’t know how to handle it. I think I was kind of hoping I was wrong, because I didn’t want it to be true, but all the signs were there, and now I know for certain.

I went for a long walk on Boulder Beach, I needed some air and some time to think, to try and clear my head. I killed a few crabthings which jumped out on me, and a few sharks that looked like they were going to eat me. And then I just sat, for the longest time, just watching the waves, not really thinking about anything. It is so relaxing, listening to the sound of the ocean; it was so peaceful I could have stayed there forever.

So now I sit by the fire in my favourite room at the Guild Hall, listening to the flames. I don’t want to be alone, but I know I will be from now on. I have a lot of friends, but there are none who I can talk to about this, I can’t even talk to my sisters. I hate feeling this way, but I know in time I will get over this, just like I always do. But the difference is, I have to do this on my own this time.

The way I see it is, I have two choices. Number one, I can go to the inn and just drink until I forget, but if I do that, I will just remember again in the morning and I will be back to where I started. Or number two, I can pretend that I don’t know and maybe in time I will forget. But I'm not good at lying, that's why I always tell the truth, and the people who know me best will know that something is wrong, they always do.

And so again I find myself riding the cannon, which is what I always do when I get upset. It didn’t help; it just left me sitting next to a Life Monument for a few marcs. It wasn't all bad, I got talking to a good friend, she's really funny. So the cannon didn’t improve my mood any, but she did a bit. And she probably doesn’t even know that she did.

Can I really pretend that it didn’t happen? I think I have to because the truth hurts too much. I wish I could make myself forget, I wish I could take it from my memory and let everything go back to the way it was. I wish I knew how to handle this situation and I wish I could tell someone, but I can’t.

I seem to be losing some friends lately. Firstly L, I was sitting in Dundee inn the other night, and he came in, saw me sitting there and left again. We used to be really close at one point, always having a laugh, he always managed to make me laugh, even when I was feeling down, and he knew how to cheer me up. But now, he can’t even bear to be in the same room as me and I realised the other night that it's been a while since we talked, so I sent him a bird and asked him why we never talk anymore; I miss the way we used to be. He just said, things change. I got upset and went to ride the cannon, like I always do when I'm upset; I rode it about 15 times before it sent me to the Life Monument. I then got a bird from someone else who I thought was a good friend, he was having ago at me about that argument I had at the inn the other morning. She told him a load of lies about me, saying I was being mean to her when all she was doing was writing in her journal. And he believed her, he didn’t come to me to hear my side of the story, he just took her word for it and said I was mean. She told him that we kicked her out of the inn. I like that, she started on me and I'm not allowed to ask her if she has a problem with me. He said he wasn't angry, I said ‘no, you may not be, but I am.’ He doesn’t understand why I'm angry. I always thought he was a good friend, he was one of the first people I met when I came to Valorn, I have known him for so long, but he chose to believe her without even asking me first. But the other thing is, why is she going all over the lands bad mouthing me to everyone she meets? Anyone who knows me, knows the truth, they know what I'm like, if anyone else wants to believe the lies she's been spreading, that's up to them. I don’t care what they think of me, they don’t know me, and their opinion of me doesn’t mean anything to me. The people who count are my friends and family, and they all know that I'm a nice person, and that's all that matters. So she hates me, and she turned a good friend against me, but she can hate me all she wants, I don’t know her, why would I care what she thinks.

I am easily influenced; I know that, I always have been. But just lately we have been having so much, and I haven’t laughed like that in ages. Last night I was laughing so much that my sides started to hurt. So anyway, whenever I see a friend or a member of my family sleeping in a public place, I doodle on their faces. Well that was until someone (she knows who she is) taught me to pack fill, and I have to admit, pack filling is fun. Or at least it was until this morning. I was sitting at the inn with my noob and a good friend; we were talking and having fun. But J fell asleep on me, and that's never a good idea. So I filled his pack, and then drew on his face. But somebody at the inn had a problem with that, and she called me sad and pathetic. I don’t know what her problem was, we were having fun and J didn’t mind, he's a good friend, and he saw the funny side. So I asked her if she had a problem with me. She said ‘no, if I had a problem with you I would tell you, unlike some people I speak my mine.’ Anyway, it kind of went south from there. She was trying to deny that she’d said any of it, so I asked her if it was me she had the problem with or the fact that we were having fun. This went on for a while; I really don’t know what her problem was. We weren’t hurting anyone, we weren’t being mean to anyone and I don’t see why it was bothering her anyway, we weren’t doing it to her, I don’t know why she started the argument. Anyway she walked out in the end and left us having fun. I guess I'm a bad influence on my noob, because I had her filling someone's pack the other day. She used to be so innocent when she first came to the Valorn, but a few weeks with me looking after her, and she's learning all my tricks. But it's fun, and it's good to have fun, it can’t always be serious stuff and training, and fighting in raids. There has to be a balance or there's no point in living. It can’t all be hard work. Is it really wrong to have fun? Shouldn’t we be showing Balthaza that he can’t break our spirits, he can’t keep us down, and laughter is a good way to show him that?

It's been a strange day. I've been training really hard these last few days, it's all I've been doing really, I just needed to throw myself into training. So I haven’t been paying attention to what was going on around me. So I didn’t hear the crier announce a big raid. It wasn't until I got a message from an iron knight to go to Dundee, that I knew something was wrong. So I go and I didn’t even get a hit in before I was left hugging a Life Monument. Anyway, I headed off to Milltown, after checking Kilican and Ryndall were clear, and I bumped into my sister. So we were sat in Milltown and we hear a call from our guild leader, she needed help to kill a demon, she was too big to hit it. And this is where I made the biggest mistake of my life. My sister said she would need a portal to get there but because I can poof, I went and I didn’t say I was going, and that was my mistake. My sister, thinking that she had to go, took off through the mountains, if I had said I was going she wouldn’t have been there, and if she hadn't have been there Balthaza wouldn’t have taken her. My sister got taken by Balthaza and it was my fault. I was so scared for her, but she coped really well, I don’t know how she did it. I would have given anything to have traded places with her, she didn’t deserve that. I felt so bad because there was nothing I could do, I couldn’t protect her, and I promised I would always do everything I could to protect my family, but I felt so helpless. Anyway we had a long chat about it tonight. I need to stop feeling so guilty about things I can’t control, and I've promised to work on that. I can’t keep feeling guilty about everything. And with the help of my family, I might just do it, but I guess only time will tell.

I woke up today to find a huge leach chomping on my face. I hope that doesn’t leave a scar. So I had to kill it, stupid things, they never learn. I guess it thought that because I was asleep it would have more chance of hurting me, I hate to think how bad it would have been if I hadn't woke up.

Anyway, after that I decided to go and hunt for the ring of protection 3 and the armlet of protection 3. The ring was easy to find, but I hunted all over the place and I couldn’t find the armlet of protection anywhere, and then I remembered someone gave me one and I had it stored in the bank. But it's no good, I can’t wear it yet anyway, so all that hunting was for nothing.

I got talking to the noob I've been helping. When does a noob stop being a noob? I don’t know, but anyway I was talking to her for a bit and then showed her where to train, and then I decided that I really should be training myself. I haven’t done any training for over a week so I have a bit of catching up to do. I had forgotten how much fun killing stuff could be, but it's still not as much fun as riding the cannon. Well maybe when I've spent some time training really hard I might go and ride it again. It's really funny because when the Nexus was gone, all I wanted to do was ride the cannon, and it took me ages to get there, and now that the Nexus is back, I don’t seem to want to ride it so much. In fact, since the Nexus has been back, I've hardly left Milltown, I've just been training a lot in the wall, and I've been to Kilican a few times to see Bobo but that's about it. Talking of Bobo, I went to see him the other night and tried to pet him, and the cheeky little thing turned round and petted me. He makes me laugh.

Well I need to find a new hiding place, someone found me in mine. I'm fast running out of places to hide, I need to do some more exploring. But I don’t have time for that now, so I will have to go to the other place my sister showed me. It's really beautiful there, you can see for miles.

As for the person I was talking about last time, well he's still trying to mess with my head, but because I know he's doing it, it's not so bad. It just means that I can mess with him a little bit. But the problem is I don’t know if I can do this without falling for him. I keep telling myself to stay away because no good could ever come from this, but I keep finding myself drawn to him, like a moth to a flame and I know I'm going to get burned again. I don’t know what I'm doing; I think I need some sense slapped into me.